Better Off Dead

(1985)

as Lane Myer

Plot: Lane Myer (John!) is obsessed with his girlfriend Beth and is crushed when she falls for the new captain of the ski team, Roy. After several failed suicide attempts, narrow escapes from the relentless paper boy, and nearly unbearable dinners at home with his crazy family, Lane finds a new love in French exchange student Monique Junot. Meanwhile, he must beat Roy on the slopes to regain his honor.

John Quotes: [Monique] He keeps putting his testicles all over me.
[Lane] Excuse me?
[Monique] You know, like octopus? Testicles?
[Lane] Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T.

[Lane] Sorry Johnny, I don't have a dime.
[Johnny] Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.
[Lane] My mom's not home. She had to take my brother to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she was really stressed out. She hijacked a busload full of... penguins. It's sort of a family crisis. Bye!
*slams the door shut*

"Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky."

Crazy Credits: The last line of credits reads "The movie's over, you can go home now."